10 Ways to Support Teen Survivors
National Youth Violence Prevention Week
1) Plant the seed for consent culture
Consent should be utilized for a myriad of actions outside of sexual activity. As an adult interacting with teen survivors, you can plant the seed for consent culture with them by asking for their permission in a range of different ways. This could look like saying, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me last week. Is now an okay time to continue that conversation?” By asking for consent around things like conversations, it demonstrates to those teens that their boundaries are important to you. It is also a good way to model what consent looks like.
You can also solidify yourself as a safe person to have conversations about consent with. The Vermont Network Against Sexual and Domestic Violence has created an incredible toolkit for adults on how to be “Askable Adults.” In 2017, a survey that went out to Vermont youth identified that the primary resource that youth desire in their lives is more askable adults who they can have open conversations with about topics like consent. You can learn more about how to be an askable adult here: https://vtnetwork.org/askableadult/.
2) Set and honor boundaries
Many teens who are experiencing dating, domestic, or sexual violence have had their boundaries crossed by an abusive partner. These boundaries may be physical, emotional, and/or sexual. This can look like having no privacy, being told how they have to spend their time, not being asked before being touched, and so many other things. By not having their boundaries respected, it can take more time for teens who have experienced these kinds of violence to learn what healthy boundaries look like and how to listen to boundaries that others set.
Depending on their experience, they may have also had their boundaries crossed by other adults in their lives. This is why it is crucial, as a safe adult, to set and honor boundaries with teens that you may be interacting with. This could look like providing set times that you are available to talk with teens, setting limits to contact outside of school or work, making sure that you ask a teen before giving them a hug or any other similar touch, not interrupting teens while they talk, and being clear about what your relationship with them as an adult will look like. When you establish these boundaries it will demonstrate that you care for the teen and that you are a safe person to rely on.
3) Practice withholding judgement
If you have ever talked to a teen, you may have noticed that they are still practicing and refining their decision-making skills. It can be difficult as an adult in a teen’s life to withhold judgement about the decisions that they make, especially when those decisions seem dangerous. Sometimes it is helpful to channel back to your own teen years. This behavior is normal, it is part of a teen’s natural brain development. They likely have enough people in their lives judging the decisions that they make, and sometimes what they need is a safe adult that won’t shame them for their actions, but instead be supportive. As an adult, you can try to be a safe person for that teen to bounce ideas off, which means not ridiculing or judging.
One thing that you can do to practice withholding judgement when interacting with teens is to work on combating adultism. Adultism is essentially the power that adults hold over children and how that power is used to oppress children. A common impact of adultism on children and teens is shame. As adults, we can better support the teens in our life by checking the ways in which we see ourselves and decisions as superior to teens.
4) Reinforce that teens are the experts of their own experience
We all can fall into the trap of thinking that we know what is best for someone else, especially when it comes to teenagers. No matter how old we are, it is easy to project our own experiences onto others. In order to better support teen survivors, remember that all survivors are the experts of their own experience. This means that they will know in the end what is the right path for them to take. As a trusted adult, you can help them explore what different options are out there. This could look like discussing reporting, obtaining a protection order, getting a SANE exam, how to tell a loved one about what is happening, safety planning, etc. You may have some ideas about what is best for the teen in your life, but it is best practice to let them decide for themselves how they would like to proceed. Make sure that they know, too, that only they can figure out what the best course of action is for them.
5) Listen
Hone in on your active-listening skills. This may seem like an obvious tip, but many of us still struggle with listening to folks without waiting to put in our own two cents. Sometimes a teen survivor may be looking for advice, but sometimes they may want someone to just listen and process their feelings with. It is always safe to ask, “Do you want advice and feedback right now, or do you want me to just listen?” Supportive statements that demonstrate that you are listening to a teen survivor may look like,
“I believe you.”
“I hear you.”
“That sounds like it was really hard to deal with.”
“What you are feeling is valid.”
“I’m really sorry that happened to you.”
“That sounds like a normal response to everything that is going on in your life.”
Try your best to stay curious about what the teen has to say. And remember, you can’t really talk to someone who is upset. When someone is really angry or sad, their ability to take in advice is limited. Just listen.
6) If you are a mandated reporter, let teens know
Many adults that work with teens, including teachers, counselors, and advocates who have an MSW, are mandated reporters. This means that if someone who is a mandated reporter hears about a teen who is experiencing or has experienced sexual, domestic, and/or family violence they have to report that to DCF. According to Vermont state law, any reports of child abuse or neglect are supposed to be made within 24 hours of when the mandated reporter received the information.
The choice for survivors to report or not to report is a decision that only a survivor should have to make, and it is a primary source of empowerment for many survivors. However, teen survivors are often stripped of that choice because of the mandated reporting process. All survivors, including teens, are the expert of their own experience. This means that only the person who has personally experienced the violence knows what path will be best for them. Survivors are the most knowledgeable about how a perpetrator will respond to a report being made, as reporting is not always the safest option for folks.
In order to safeguard teens’ rights to report, it is important that mandated reporters let the teens that they are working with know that they are a mandated reporter, and what it would look like if the teen disclosed an experience to them. When someone does not tell a teen that they are a mandated reporter, and then a teen discloses to them, it can often feel like they are being tricked and manipulated by adults. It is not uncommon for teen survivors of sexual, domestic, and family violence to already have rocky, dishonest, or even abusive relationships with the adults in their lives. By withholding this critical information from teens, you may be furthering that teen’s distrust in adults in addition to taking away their choice to divulge about their experience to other people.
7) Be vulnerable
As adults, one of the most valuable things that we can do is tell teens that we make mistakes, too. Sometimes being a good example for a teen means being vulnerable about the fact that you do not have all the answers, and that it is perfectly normal to make mistakes. Being able to be vulnerable demonstrates that you are trustworthy. Good, healthy, stable relationships are the intervention for teens processing complex trauma.
8) Follow through
A big part of being a supportive adult for teen survivors is demonstrating that you are trustworthy. Trustworthiness for teens often looks like showing up and following through. Make sure that you do not make any promises that you cannot keep. Youth, especially those who have experienced sexual, dating, and/or family violence, expect ingenuity from adults. Often teen survivors have had adults in their lives that have lied to them, tricked them, or hurt them. These teens may assume that the other adults in their lives will replicate this pattern of dishonesty. By following through on your commitments with teens, you are showing them that you are reliable and trustworthy.
9) Create trauma-informed spaces for teen survivors
For many teen survivors, the school system itself is traumatizing. School may be a place where that survivor has to see their abuser, deal with social stigma from peers around being a survivor, and balance the pressures of academic life against their emotional well being. Whether you work with teens in a school setting, or interact with youth survivors in another setting, it is critical to set up spaces that are trauma-informed. This would mean that there are spaces for teen survivors to go where the varying impacts of trauma are understood, and expectations about how a survivor “should” process and heal from trauma are set aside. This could look like creating trauma informed classrooms that acknowledge and work with a students best interest as it relates to their trauma.
One tip for creating trauma informed spaces with teens is to model their language. For example, some people who experience violence may choose to use identifying language like “survivor” or “victim,” while many may also choose to not use these labels at all. They may also use different language to refer to what happened to them. Make it their call to decide how to talk about their experience.
10) Educate yourself on resources and options for teen survivors
While you do not have to have all the answers, it is good to have some. Take time to educate yourself on resources and options for teen survivors. This may look like referring them to a WomenSafe advocate, or another advocate at your local sexual and domestic violence agency. Continue to educate yourself on best practices for supporting teen survivors, and understand that the support a teen may need can change day to day. This is the first and most important step in being a solid adult figure for all teen survivors.
Linnea Johnson (she/her/they/them)
Educator and Advocate