Dating and Domestic Violence

Domestic and dating violence both involve a pattern of tactics used intentionally to gain and maintain control over a partner.

This form of abuse can be physical, psychological, emotional, financial, and/or sexual. Abuse usually increases over time unless the abuser gets help for their behavior.

Abuse can impact anyone, regardless of their race, age, religion, ethnicity, socioeconomic level or sexual orientation. Domestic and dating violence are not acceptable and require a coordinated community response that denounces such behavior.

The Power and Control Wheel

The Power and Control Wheel is a conceptual way of looking at the primary tactics people who abuse use against their partners. This original model was developed by battered women's groups in Duluth, Minnesota.

Imagine that the Power and Control Wheel represents the entire system of battering. At the hub is the batterer's choice to get and keep power and control over their partner. Each spoke of the wheel represents one of the tactics they may use to control their partner. The threat of physical and sexual violence surrounds and supports the spokes. It is the rim that holds the system together and gives it strength, power and effectiveness.

How to Support Someone in an Unhealthy Relationship

Statistically speaking, someone you know is a survivor of dating or domestic violence. Being an ally can be difficult. When someone opens up to you, you should know that it’s because they feel safe and supported by you. Well done!

To support someone fully, we recommend:

Listening
Being nonjudgmental
Assuring them that they do not deserve this treatment
Referring them to programs like WomenSafe

It’s important to not get frustrated if they don’t take your advice or do what you would do. Their decisions are complicated, and you don’t truly know what they are experiencing. They are the experts. If you regularly express that you are there for them no matter what (no matter how frustrating it is!), you will help them feel less isolated and alone.

We DO NOT recommend:

Using phrases such as, “chin up,” “mind over matter,” “you should do x, y, and z….”
Projecting your views onto them
Giving them an ultimatum "(“If you don’t break up with them, I won’t be your friend,” etc.)
Approaching their abuser (this can make matters worse)

These actions may diminish the survivor’s feelings and make them feel unheard and unsupported.