It's Never Too Early: Talking to Kids About Consent
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. One of the most critical steps we can take in preventing sexual violence is to teach children about consent. Many people do not hear about consent until they are sexually active. By this time in someone’s life, it can be more difficult to grasp this concept, leaving many to have half-hearted understandings about the importance of consent. When we think about asking for consent and respecting someone’s “no” as a tool for preventing sexual violence, we are picturing it in terms of giving permission for certain sexual activities. However, consent is a life skill that can be practiced before anyone even engages in any kind of sexual activity.
At WomenSafe, we provide child sexual abuse prevention education to kids as young as five-years-old. This education focuses heavily on asking for permission and consent and looks different depending on the age group. With kindergartners, we often talk about asking for permission in terms of high fives, hugs, and tickling. Not only do we practice setting boundaries on what kind of touch we’re okay with and how to say no, but we also spend time discussing what it looks to ask for permission and to respect someone’s “no.” This is critical because we are working to prevent both sexual violence victimization and perpetration. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of Justice, nearly 1/3 of perpetrators of child sexual abuse are other children. The earlier we can talk to kids about consent, the quicker they will learn how to set boundaries, respect boundaries, and maintain healthy relationships.
Through the education that our organization provides, we can follow up these conversations about consent to middle school and on to high school. We get to see how children’s understanding of consent develops as they get older, and how quickly they grasp onto this concept as we begin to have more in-depth conversations about the importance of consent. One of the most rewarding things about teaching consent to younger children is to hear them tell us the next day about how they practiced setting a boundary with a family member or friend. We greatly appreciate when parents are able to assist us in our prevention work by continuing conversations about boundaries and permission outside of school. To dive more into what teaching consent to young children looks like as a parent, our Outreach Advocate, Jena, is providing us with some tips from her experiences raising her two young children.
When is the first time you remember needing to talk to one of your kids about consent?
When pregnant with my first child and waiting impatiently for her arrival, my partner and I discussed parenting philosophies around various topics. During these conversations, we both felt that we needed to teach consent and bodily autonomy right from the start. We felt it was imperative to incorporate these concepts in our daily lives instead of waiting until we “needed” to talk to our kids.
What kinds of conversations have you had with your kids about consent?
The conversations I have with my kids right now at ages two and five are very different than the conversations I will have with them as they grow; however, right now, we talk about how our kids are in charge of their bodies. We talk about the important decisions they can make with their bodies, like who to hug, kiss, high-five, etc. And this leads into conversations about how they do not need to give anyone physical affection unless they consent. And, as every parent can probably relate to, we constantly say, “no means no,” but we discuss how when someone is telling you no, you must respect that boundary.
How do you practice asking for consent with your kids?
My partner and I try to consistently model behavior for our kids. This can look like, asking them, “can I give you a hug?” or “can I give you a snuggle?” We also demonstrate our own boundaries with our kids. For example, my youngest loves to be tickled and to tickle others. When we are playing, my partner and I will tell her “Okay, we are all done. Please no tickling.” And she stops. Watching my partner and I set this boundary, she will now communicate with us, “No, Mama. Me all done,” when we are playing together, and my partner and I immediately stop. From this small example, she understands that when someone says “no” that means stop and she understands that when she says “no” that we will also stop and respect her boundaries. Yes, obviously, we must practice this on an ongoing basis, but the kids get it.
Why do you want to teach your kids about consent early? As an advocate and mom, what pushes you to do so?
As an advocate and a mom, the statistics around sexual assault are frightening. According to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, every 73 seconds, a person in our country is sexually assaulted. And every 9 minutes, that victim is a child. In order to combat these statistics, I know that education is prevention. We must teach children about consent early.
What boundaries have you seen your kids put up? How do they communicate these boundaries?
I have seen my kids place boundaries about saying hello to strangers, physical affection, needing “space,” etc. Communication around these boundaries are usually vocalized, but also through putting distance between themselves and the other person(s). Putting distance between themselves and others can look like moving away from another person, leaving the room, and placing their hand out in front of them and saying “stop.”
How does teaching your kids about asking for consent differ from teaching them that other people should be asking for their consent too?
My partner and I try to model both having our kids ask for consent and asking for their consent. We encourage and provide our kids a safe space to practice asking for consent from others, us asking for their consent, and setting their own boundaries. So often our society sends the message that children should be seen and not heard. In our home, this is not the case. Kids deserve to be treated as the intelligent and independent people they are and know that they have autonomy to make their own decisions surrounding consent.
Do you see the impacts of teaching your kids about consent at an early age? Have you noticed a difference in the way that they interact with each other, other people, and/or you and your partner?
Yes, I can see the impact because I have watched my kids grow and be comfortable saying “no” to others. My children can assert their personal boundaries with family, friends, and strangers. I have witnessed them confidently say, “no thanks” when certain people ask for hugs and/or kisses. I have heard my kiddos set boundaries when playing with each other, other kids, and family members by saying “I said no. Please stop.” Even now, when I am answering these questions, my kids are next to me, watching tv. My older child just asked her sister, “is it okay if I put my head on your shoulders?” And, my toddler responded, “yep! And me?!” 😊
How does this compare to what you were taught about consent as a kid, from parents, school, etc.?
To be honest, this question gave me pause. I do not think that I was taught about consent until sex education in health class. Even then, I cannot remember a specific lesson on consent. I asked my partner this question and he also cannot remember learning about consent until much later in life. As an advocate, this is terrifying.
What has been challenging about trying to teach consent to two kids under the age six?
The challenge is not trying to teach consent to my kids, but the reaction of others. Family members, friends, and strangers have been offended by my kid’s vocalized boundaries. Yet, as their parent, I must support my child’s decisions about consent, physical affection and boundaries. Sometimes this means other people will be offended and I have learned to accept this.
What advice can you give to other parents out there about how to talk to their kids about consent?
Just do it! And know that no parent is perfect, and you might not always know what to say, but these conversations and lessons are critical for our kids. Find simple ways to incorporate consent into the conversation so it becomes routine to both ask for consent and to provide the opportunities for your kiddos to practice setting their own personal boundaries.