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The Advocate

Safety Alert: computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are in danger, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline , and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. If you are at a safer computer, click here to read more.

Teens and Violence in Dating

What Every Teen Needs to Know about Healthy Relationships

In a good relationship, people can:

• Express differences
• Share ideas and feelings
• Discuss their beliefs
• Talk before touching
• Feel comfortable
• Be themselves

A Good Partner:

• Encourages you to feel good about yourself
• Helps you to see who you are and appreciates you for you
• Encourages other friendships
• Only touches you in a way you want and like
• Encourages you to say how you feel and appreciates your thoughts

What is Teen Dating Violence?
Dating Violence is a pattern of abusive behavior that someone uses against a girlfriend or boyfriend. Abuse can cause injury or even death, but it doesn’t have to be physical. It can include verbal and emotional abuse - constant insults, isolation from friends and family, name calling, controlling what someone wears - and it can also include sexual abuse. It can happen to anyone - at any age. It isn’t an argument every once in a while, or a bad mood after a bad day (A Teen’s Handbook 2000).

What Is Not Ok? Warning Signs to Watch for:

Does your Boyfriend/Girlfriend:

• Act jealous or possessive toward you?
• Control what you do or who you hang out with?
• Embarrass or insult you?
• Neglect to respect your feelings and ideas?
• Touch you in a way that hurts or frightens you?
• Pressure and/or manipulate you into having sex?
• Pressure you to use drugs or alcohol?
• Grab, punch, hit or kick you?
• Blame you for his/her problems?
• Check up on where you’ve been?
• Prevent you from practicing safe sex?
• Scare you, or make you afraid of how he/she will react to things you do or say?
• Hold all the power in your relationship?
• Threaten you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, your boyfriend or girlfriend might be abusing you. Please talk to a trusted adult, friend, counselor, teacher, parent, family member or advocate at WomenSafe.
You deserve a healthy relationship!
Remember: You have the right to feel safe at all times. No one deserves to be abused.

What to do if you are being abused

TALK ABOUT IT:
Seek out the support you need; often people are isolated by an abusive partner. Get support from someone you trust such as a parent, friend, teacher, school counselor, family member, or advocate at WomenSafe. You can call the WomenSafe 24-hour hotline anonymously without giving your name, age or where you live.
THINK ABOUT SAFETY:
Trust your feelings, if you are worried about safety, there’s a reason for it. If you are in immediate danger - call the police. Talk to a trusted adult. Breaking up can be a dangerous time. Make sure you have a safety plan before taking action.
PUT YOURSELF FIRST:
Your partner might need help, but it is important that you get support for yourself.
REMEMBER…YOU ARE NOT ALONE:
You are not to blame, and you do not deserve to be abused. There is help! Call the 24-hour confidential hotline at WomenSafe at 388-4205 or 800-388-4205 for more information.

1 in 5 female high school students reported being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. This includes being shoved, slapped, hit or forced into any sexual activity. (Journal of the American Medical Association, 2001)

How to Help a Friend Who Has Been Abused:

• Tell them that the abuse is not their fault.
• Tell them that they don't deserve to be abused.
• Believe them and let them know that you do.
• Be supportive, but don't tell them what to do. Whatever they decide, it is their decision.
• Don't blame them for the abuse or their decisions. It is difficult and sometimes dangerous to leave a relationship and they may not be ready yet.
• Offer to go with them to talk to someone: a teacher, counselor or advocate.
• Continue to be there for them even if they do not leave the relationship. Let them know that they can always come to you.
• Don't spread gossip. It could be dangerous for them.
• Help them to make a safety plan, or find someone who can.
• Give them good information about abuse. There are resources available to help them and you.
• Call WomenSafe at 388-4205 or 800-388-4205 for more information.

In one study, 25% of high school girls told no one about the abuse, 26% told their parents, and 66% reported the abuse to their friends. (In Love and Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships by Barrie Levy, MSW (1993) Seal Press.)