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Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence
and Substance Abuse

This information is offered to dispel the myths and share the facts about substance abuse and domestic violence. It is our hope that in sharing the information we can help create a safer environment for women.

MYTH: Abusers batter and abuse because they have low self esteem.
FACT: Battering is a learned behavior. It is all about Power and Control. Boys are taught to be aggressive and to use their power to get what they want. Girls are taught not to rock the boat, to be caring, nurturing and passive. 50%-60% of men who batter report that they watched their mom getting hit or were hit themselves. Battering is a learned behavior.

"Maybe if Julia didn't bother her boyfriend all the time about his drinking, if my wife talked to me that way...I'd get angry too..."

MYTH: Women nag their partners to drink or to be violent
FACT: No one can make another person drink and no one deserves to be hit, no matter what the circumstances. Hitting is a choice.

"This would never have happened if he wasn't drinking."

MYTH: Alcohol and other drug abuse cause battering.
FACT: Alcohol and other drug abuse do not cause battering. There are alcoholics that do not batter and batterers who do not abuse drugs or alcohol. And there are batterers who batter when they are sober, as well as, when they are drinking.

"I'll go to an AA Meeting. Maybe I will see a counselor. I know if I quit drinking I'd stop being violent."

MYTH: The violence will stop if the drinking stops.
FACT: Abstinence alone may not stop the violence. In fact, it may make the situation more dangerous for the victim. A plan to address the violence and a plan to address the addiction is necessary. Recovery is a long term process for both issues. There is hope and there is help.

"As your therapist, I think its important that we explore your co-dependant nature."

MYTH: Women are "co-dependant" and; therefore, they are responsible for the abuse.
FACT: Women are socialized to have concern for others, try to make peace and try to give and do for others, instead of for themselves. Battered women learn to adopt behaviors that help them to avoid injury and stay alive. Labeling skills as "co-dependant" blames the woman for the abuse directed against her. We should be cautious using words like "co-dependency" and "enabling" to label these important characteristics.

"I know my daughter feels unsafe, why doesn't she just leave? She would be safer living with me, wouldn't she?"

MYTH: She could leave if she wanted to.
FACT: Women know how to assess their safety better than anyone else. She may stay because she loves him, she wants the hitting to stop and doesn't want the relationship to end. She may have no money and no place to go that would be safe. He may threaten to kill her, hurt the children or kill himself. She needs to predict the circumstances, the unknown feels less safe. Some women leave and are harmed and some women leave and do much better.

"The court ordered my wife and me to go to counseling, you know..to try to work things out..."

MYTH: Counseling and mediation are viable options for couples in a violent relationship because there is equal power.
FACT: “Couples” are not violent. One partner has chosen to use violence against the other to get what he wants. The abuser has gained power over her and has maintained his control over her through physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. If she speaks honestly about the violence in mediation or in a counseling session she may be beaten for it afterwards. If she does not talk about his abuse out of fear of retaliation, then the therapist doesn’t have the all the information to serve them properly and the victim’s needs are not met.

"Jenny is a cheerleader at the High School. I know her boyfriend has hit her a few times out of jealousy, but I think she is lucky to have his attention, after all he is the captain of the football team."

MYTH: Violence only happens to certain types of women
FACT: Battering can happen to anyone. Battered women are of all ages, races, classes, backgrounds, abilities, education levels, religions, and sexual orientations.

"As your substance abuse counselor, I suggest you deal with your drinking issues first, then you can figure out what to do at home."

MYTH: Women need to address sobriety before they make any changes.
FACT: Battered women need to address safety first. Women use and abuse substances for many reasons. When a woman is battered by her partner, she may abuse substances to numb or mask the pain. She may use alcohol and/or drugs with her partner to try to avoid being beaten. She may be prescribed psychotropic medications, without any knowledge of her history. A woman may appear to be an alcoholic or an addict while being battered by a partner, but after she leaves finds the chemical abuse lessens or disappears. Efforts should be made to determine if her alcohol and/or drug abuse is situational and serves as a coping mechanism to deal with the stress and violence in her life.

"She drinks too much, maybe if she quit he'd leave her alone."

MYTH: Women who abuse substances deserve to be abused and battered.
FACT: Because someone is using or abusing substance is no excuse for violence, either the violence perpetrated or the violence received. Substance abuse among battered women is the same or only slightly higher than the general population. Battered women will get beaten if they drink and they will get battered if they don’t drink. There is no excuse for domestic violence. The most important thing we can do for a woman who tells us there is violence in her life is to believe her.

Trust that she knows when she is safe and when she isn't.

As therapists, advocates, or friends, we must always address safety first -- her safety.

A plan to address the violence and a plan to address the addiction is necessary. There is hope and help available. Advocates are available for support and information 24-hours a day at 388-4205.

A United Way Member Agency

All contents © 2002 WomenSafe, Inc.
PO Box 67 | Middlebury, VT 05753
24-HOUR HOTLINE: 388-4205 or 800-388-4205
TTY: 802-388-9181 | OFFICE: 802-388-9180 | FAX: 802-388-3438
EMAIL: info@womensafe.net