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The Advocate

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How to Help a Friend Who is a Victim of Domestic Violence

Help your friend recognize the abuse.
Point out the different types of abuse in relationships to your friend. Tell her that abuse happens and that she’s not alone. Tell her that abuse usually gets worse over time. Encourage her to call WomenSafe for more information and support.

Express your concerns.
Tell your friend that you are glad she confided in you. Let her know that you are sorry this is happening to her. Repeat the following as much as necessary: "I'm worried about you"; "It's not your fault"; "I'm glad that you told me about what you're going through"; "You deserve to feel safe"; "I'm here for you"; and “You’re not alone.”

Support your friend's strength.
Remind her that she is a survivor and she’s done everything she can to keep herself and her children safe. If your friend wants to stay in the relationship, or keeps returning to the abusive partner, discuss a safety plan. Help your friend see that she is not to blame for the violence and that changing her behavior will not stop the abuse. Help your friend recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent. There is no excuse for domestic violence.

Be accepting.
Tell her you are worried about her safety. Let your friend know you are there for her, and mean it. Do not become upset if your friend is not ready to end the relationship yet. Try to see that your friend is dealing with difficult emotions - love and security from a partner, parenting, financial security, housing, trust, threats from the abuser and fear of the abuse. Know that she may need to return to the batterer in order to be safe.

Work on a safety plan.
Help your friend recognize the things she’s already doing to keep herself and her children safe. Help your friend think of new ways to assist with her safety plan. Look at patterns in the abuser's behavior to figure out when the abuser is explosive or violent. A trained advocate from WomenSafe can work with her to come up with a personalized safety plan.

Be there--listen--and stay there.
You may feel like a broken record and that no one is listening to you. Sometimes you may just be planting a seed of information for the victim to remember for the next time she is ready to reach out for help. Continue to support your friend by avoiding to blame her and she will know you are standing beside her.

If and when she is ready to leave the abusive partner continue to be supportive. It takes a long time to get over any relationship, especially one that is emotionally and/or physically violent. Know that it may be a dangerous time for her, as abusers are often not willing to accept that the relationship is over. Safety should be a priority.

Reach out for help.
Go to a trusted friend or advocate for support. Call area resources for ideas on how to help your friend. WomenSafe’s hotline is available 24 hours a day and you don't have to give your name (388-4205 or 800/388-4205 within Vermont).

If you are frightened or frustrated, get support for yourself.
Remember, you can't rescue or solve all your friend's problems. In Vermont, to reach the nearest domestic violence program dial:
1-800-228-7395

Keep educating yourself on domestic/dating violence.
Coping with Dating Violence by Nancy Rue and Getting Free by Ginny Nicarthy are two of the many resource books about domestic violence. Check your local library or domestic violence program to borrow these or other materials.