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The
Cycle of Abuse
STAGE 1
TENSION BUILDING
Many victims describe this stage as “walking on eggshells”
or “dancing on landmines.” The victim begins to sense that
something is going to happen but doesn’t know when or what will
set him off this time. The abuser blames her for the abuse and problems.
To remain safe she may withdraw herself in order not to set him off. He
gets increasingly jealous & verbally abusive. His abuse escalates
and there’s a rapid increase in tension.
STAGE 2
EXPLOSION
After the Tension Building stage, there is eventually
an explosion – either physical or verbal. It is not safe for the
victim to fight back or retaliate, so the victim can only wait it out.
Victims may deny or minimize the seriousness of injuries to the abuser
to soothe him and avoid further abuse. He may batter her even after she
is already severely injured or beaten. Most abusers do not allow their
victims to seek medical attention for risk of getting caught.
STAGE 3
Hearts & Flowers
This stage is sometimes called the honeymoon stage. Usually right after
an Explosion, the abuser says he’s sorry and acts extremely loving
& kind. He gives candy, flowers & love notes. He promises to get
help, go to counseling, quit drinking or drugging, go back to church,
etc. He tries to convince her & everyone else (including himself)
that he means it. He may apologize while blaming her at the same time
saying, “If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t have
to do that,” or “If you didn’t push my buttons, it wouldn’t
have happened.” He says it will never happen again. Unfortunately,
if the abuser does not get help (through a batterer’s intervention
program) the abuse will get worse and the Tension Building
phase follows.
It’s important to note that as time goes on the Explosions
will happen more often and usually become more lethal (dangerous). As
time goes on, the Hearts & Flowers stage usually
happens less often and lasts for less time. Some abusers complete this
cycle three times a day and others may go through the cycle three times
a year. For some victims, the Hearts & Flowers stage
may go away completely.
In the Explosion stage, the abuser uses fists, abusive words, looks and/or
gestures to control the victim. In the Hearts & Flowers
stage, the abuser is using nice words, gifts and promises to control her
and keep her from leaving. The Hearts & Flowers stage
is very confusing for victims since this is the side of him that she fell
in love with, because she blames herself and because this stage gives
her hope.
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