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--
by Christina Grier
When you
think of domestic violence, you usually think of an adult male battering
his female partner. Not only can abuse occur in dating and same gender
relationships, but abusers can be well-educated, charming, successful,
religious, and of any race or ethnicity.
Similarly, abusers can be young. Teen and young adult abusers rarely
get the attention that older adult abusers do for many reasons. Adults/parents
can minimize teen relationships thinking they’re too young to
understand and experience love. Adults/parents may believe that since
they’re living with the teen that they would know if abuse was
happening. However, it is important to acknowledge that teen dating
violence happens all too often and the damage a teenage abuser can inflict
upon his/her victim can be just as significant as that of an adult.
The following information is available on the website of the National
Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center. It is reprinted here with
their permission.
According to recent statistics, it is extremely likely that you or someone
you know have been a victim of violence by a dating partner. Dating
violence can take many forms, including psychological and emotional
abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. It can occur in the context
of casual dating or serious long-term relationships.
Psychological and Emotional Abuse
If a boyfriend or girlfriend humiliates, insults, or swears at you,
you are experiencing psychological and emotional abuse. Other examples
include: attempting to control a girlfriend or boyfriend’s activities,
trying to destroy her or his self-confidence and self-esteem, and isolating
the person from other friends and family. Threats of violence are also
abusive and should always be taken seriously.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse includes such things as: hitting, slapping, punching,
shoving, kicking, biting, and hair pulling. It also includes the use
of a weapon, such as a club, knife or gun, against a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Both teenage boys and teenage girls report being victims of physical
violence in relationships. Typically, however, teenage boys and teenage
girls use physical force for different reasons and with different results.
While both tend to report acting violently because they were angry,
teenage boys are much more likely to use force in order to control their
girlfriends, while girls more often act violently in self-defense.
Teenage girls are much more likely than teenage boys to have serious
injuries and report being terrified of their dating partner. In contrast,
male victims seldom seem to fear violence by their dates or girlfriends,
often saying that the attacks did not hurt and that they found the violence
amusing.
Sexual Abuse
The term sexual abuse refers to forced or unwanted sexual activity or
rape. It is also considered sexual abuse to coerce or pressure someone
to engage in sexual activity or try to engage in sexual activity with
someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Teenage girls in heterosexual relationships are much more likely than
teenage boys to suffer from sexual abuse.
How frequently does dating violence occur?
It is difficult to say because different studies and surveys ask about
it in different ways and get very different results. Some studies only
ask about physical abuse, while others include questions about psychological
and emotional abuse and sexual violence. Past estimates of dating violence
among middle school and high school students range from 28% to 96%.
One recent national survey found that 1 in 11 high-school students said
they had been hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend
or girlfriend in the past year. 1 in 11 students also reported that
they had been forced to have sexual intercourse when they did not want
to.
Far greater numbers of teens (as high as 96%) report emotional and psychological
abuse from their dating partners.
What You Can Do
1. Know the early warning signs that you're in a dating situation
or relationship with a person who could have the potential to become
violent.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend:
-
pressures
you, soon after you begin dating, to make the relationship very serious,
or presses you to have sex.
-
becomes
extremely jealous and possessive, and thinks these destructive displays
of emotion are signs of love.
-
tries
to control you and to forcefully make all decisions where the two
of you are concerned, refusing to take your views or desires seriously.
He/she may also try to keep you from spending time with close friends
or family.
-
verbally
and emotionally abuses you by doing such things as yelling at you,
swearing at you, manipulating you, spreading false and degrading rumors
about you, and trying to make you feel guilty.
-
drinks
too much or uses drugs, and then later blames the alcohol and drugs
for his/her behavior.
-
threatens
physical violence.
-
has
abused a previous boyfriend or girlfriend or accepts and defends the
use of violence by others.
If you're in a dating relationship that in any way feels uncomfortable,
awkward, tense or even frightening, trust your feelings. It could become,
or may already be, abusive.
Always remember: You have every right to say NO. No boyfriend or girlfriend
has the right to tell you what you can or should do, what you can or
should wear, or what kind of friends you should have.
2. If you are in a relationship with a violent, or potentially
violent, person, take the following steps:
-
Make
a safety plan and get help. Talk with someone you trust - a teacher,
a guidance counselor, a doctor, a friend or parent. You may also want
to contact the police or WomenSafe at 388-4205 or call the National
Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.
-
If
you want to stay in the relationship, realize that the violence will
not just stop or go away. You cannot change your boyfriend or girlfriend's
behavior by changing your behavior, nor are you in any way responsible
for the abuse. Your boyfriend or girl friend may need intervention,
counseling or other outside help to change and you also may need some
support so that you can begin to heal.
3.
Be on the lookout for friends that may be dating a violent or potentially
violent person.
Do your friends show signs that they have been physically or emotionally
abused or injured by their dating partner?
Friends in relationships with an abusive person may:
-
Change
their style of clothing or makeup;
-
Seem
to lose confidence in themselves and begin to have difficulty making
decisions;
-
Stop
spending time with you and other friends;
-
Begin
to receive failing grades or quit school activities; and
-
Turn
to using alcohol or drugs.
If you
suspect a friend is being abused by a dating partner, you might try
to find out for sure by saying something like, "You don't seem
as happy as usual" or asking in general terms, "Is there anything
you want to talk about?" This non-confrontational and indirect
approach may prompt your friend to reveal what's wrong. Listen without
judging, condemning, or giving unwanted advice. If a friend wants help,
suggest that she or he take the steps listed above in order to be safe
and find help.
If you believe your friend is in serious danger, talk with an adult
you trust immediately about your friend's situation so that you aren't
carrying the burden by yourself. Do not try to "rescue" your
friend or be a hero and try to handle the situation on your own.
4. If you are hurting someone else, have the courage to get
help!
No matter what the other person does to provoke you, no matter how justified
you feel, no matter what your friends do, it is never okay to harm someone
else. Remember that physical and sexual violence are illegal and can
land you in jail.
You can learn new ways to deal with your controlling behavior, to fight
fair, to communicate, and to give and get love in relationships. Don't
let shame or fear stop you-talk to a parent, a teacher, a religious
leader, a doctor, a nurse, or a guidance counselor immediately. You
also can call WomenSafe at 388-4205 or the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE and they can direct you to individuals and
groups in your community who can help you to make a change.
5. Educate yourself and work to educate other teens about dating
violence.
Call WomenSafe for further information and training about dating violence
so that you can counsel peers, staff a hotline, or speak to classes
about the signs of an abusive person and where to find help. Encourage
your church or school to develop programs to educate teens about dating
violence, and work to ensure that there are resources for teens who
are being abused in your community.
CONTENTS
Welcome
WomenSafe
has recently welcomed back Willow Wheelock as the Children’s Services
Coordinator. Willow first became involved with WomenSafe as a volunteer
seven years ago and then she took a position with the agency focusing
on outreach and education. She remained in this position for over two
years. Willow maintained her connection with the community through her
children’s school environment by volunteering and substitute teaching.
Willow’s passion for children and knowledge of the community is
a huge asset to WomenSafe and we are excited to have her aboard!
WomenSafe is pleased to announce that Nancy McGill has chosen to fulfill
her MSW (Master’s in Social Work) field placement requirements
at WomenSafe. Nancy has lived in Middlebury for 20 years and she has
five daughters. She has taught and worked in the Leicester school system
for many years. Her work as a teacher and literacy consultant has led
her to pursue an MSW degree at UVM. Nancy’s knowledge of education
and her versatility are extremely valuable to the WomenSafe team!
CONTENTS
--by
Kerri Duquette-Hoffman
The Fifth Sacred Thing, a novel by Starhawk, is eye-opening
and particularly relevant to our current political climate. The story
takes place mostly in a luscious and fruitful San Francisco thirty years
after the onset of a third World War.
In the story, the world outside of the San Francisco Valley could not
be more different from the world inside the valley. An oppressive dictatorship
called The Stewards have transformed the Americas into a vast dust bowl,
where water is a commodity that is hoarded by the rich and denied to
the poor. They control through creating a false belief system that they
pass off as Christianity. However, this system has more to do with control
and hate than it does spirituality and love. This system creates a somewhat
exaggerated, though hauntingly realistic stratification of classes,
genders and races. The reader is lead to assume that this belief system
could be the logical extension of our current political climate. Recognition
of this similarity creates in the reader’s mind a longing for
embracing the alternative, an open, accepting and healthy community
created by protagonists in the San Francisco Valley. Their lives offer
us a glimpse of a community where water is clean and accessible to everyone,
food is healthy and plentiful, housing is abundant and free, and people
are respected and accepted for their differences. The reader is offered
a glimpse of the inner workings of this utopia, complete with the struggles
and sacrifices it employs. This glimpse is so detailed and seemingly
accessible that the reader could almost take the recipe for this community
and create it in our current day with enough effort and collaboration.
In the book, Starhawk presents war not from the political and existential
view that we often view it from today, but rather from the perspectives
of ecological and community sustainability. In this light, war is presented
as a great waster of natural resources and energies. This perspective
on war is rarely spoken of today, but it is deeply felt each time services
to citizens get cut to fuel our defense budget.
Starhawk’s book is a wonderful journey, with a strong message
that will be intriguing and challenging for us all.
CONTENTS
V-Day
Vagina Monologues
Once again Middlebury College will be
performing The
Vagina Monologues for V-Day.
There will be two performances in response to the overwhelming turnout
last year. Holding true to tradition, the performances will be on Friday,
February 14th, at 7:00 p.m. and again at 9:00 p.m.
Also in the planning stages are a full week of awareness activities
to follow the presentations.
For more information you can contact Joya
Scott at Middlebury College. jscot@middlebury.edu
CONTENTS
A
Legislative Note
--by
Representative Mike Fisher
Serving
in the Vermont Legislature representing Addison County towns is a true
honor and a wonderful personal experience. It is exciting to be in the
midst of the fast-paced process in the State House. When I am not serving
in the Vermont House, I work as a social worker at the Addison County
Parent/Child Center. Though there is not nearly as much notoriety in
the human service world, working with real families managing the stressors
of everyday life is very rewarding.
One challenge for people representing us in Montpelier is the disconnectedness
between the lives of people struggling and succeeding in our communities,
and the world of parties, lobbyists and political strategies. For this
reason, it is imperative that people call and e-mail their representatives
often. It is not uncommon to have few or no constituent calls on issues
that will have serious impacts on the families in our community. Five
or ten calls could feel like a landslide to a representative and should
outweigh the influence of a high priced suit (lobbyist).
All representatives and senators can be reached at (802) 322-5616 at
the State House. We can also be reached by e-mail with our first initial
and last name followed by leg.state.vt.us. For example, my e-mail address
is mfisher@leg.state.vt.us.
In my role as State Representative, I recognize that our community must
work together to address issues of economic and personal safety for
our neighbors. From my work as a social worker I understand the complexity
of family life and shy away from offering one-dimensional answers to
issues like domestic violence. In addition to requiring physical safety
for families who are experiencing violence, we must also maintain a
community focus that seeks to inoculate our young people from the many
societal messages that promote violence as a means to solving problems.
I look forward to working with you in the coming Legislative session.
Please be in touch.
Michael Fisher
364 Cobb Hill Road
Lincoln VT 05443 (802) 453-5517
mfisher@leg.state.vt.us
CONTENTS
Saving
Bernice: Battered Women, Welfare and Poverty
--a
book review by Naomi Smith
In October
I attended a meeting of 100 domestic violence advocates from around
the country to talk about “Domestic Violence and Poverty: Building
Economic Security for Battered Women and Their Families.” Bernice
Hampton was a panel member at one of the plenary sessions. I was taken
by the wisdom she imparted in her story and the struggles she encountered
while trying to keep herself and her children safe. Jody Raphael was
also there to talk about the status of welfare reform and how it affects
battered women around the country. She has written numerous articles
about this connection in her role as the executive director of the Center
for Impact Research, a Chicago-based policy research organization. I
admire the work of both of these women and was excited to read Bernice’s
story in conjunction with Jody’s public policy perspective.
The book is well written and takes the reader through the steps, beginning
with “Getting Trapped” (Chapter one) in a relationship with
a batterer to “Trying to Work” (Chapter two), and transitioning
to “Leaving” (Chapter four). Other chapters discuss children’s
issues, the recovery process and the single mother myth. Reading Jody
and Bernice’s work together combines Bernice’s eloquent
personal story with Jody’s public policy work. The final chapters
bring the reader full circle “Toward New Public Policy”
and “Violence and Poverty: The Causes” (Chapters eight and
nine).
Bernice’s poignant story relates her struggles growing up, witnessing
and being a victim of child abuse, and her dreams to have a “real”
family without violence. The final episodes show her finally breaking
free of her violent husband, helping her children recover from the effects
of witnessing violence and beginning her own college education. While
Bernice has done an amazing job of bringing herself and her children
into a less violent atmosphere, this is by no means the end of the story.
Bernice still struggles with the effects of the violence on herself
and her children making school difficult for them all. She believes
that if it is only when the community develops intolerance for domestic
violence that violence can be eradicated, and then notes that “All
the times we had serious fights in that apartment, if I didn’t
call the police, nobody ever called.” (p.138)
Jody uses Bernice’s story to educate readers on the public policy
impact of issues such as welfare reform, work programs and national
and state responses to domestic violence for victims and families who
are poor, particularly women of color. As she suggests, “All the
knowledge we have gained about domestic violence mandates that as a
society we should intervene earlier than we do.” (p.130) Jody’s
analysis includes seven basic elements that should be incorporated into
any community’s coordinated community response; the analysis advocates
for working with and educating men and boys about violence against women,
and looking at the connections of poverty and domestic violence.
I recommend this book for the historical perspective it presents, as
well as its ability to bring the reader up to speed with these issues
by providing a real story to illustrate the implications of public policy.
Saving
Bernice: Battered Women, Welfare and Poverty
Jody Raphael
Northeastern University Press, 2000 (184 pgs.)
CONTENTS
Farewells
Priscilla
Leng has resigned from our Board of Directors to spend time on the Cape
with her husband Russell. Priscilla has been a long time member of the
Board and Treasurer of WomenSafe. We are very sad to see her leave.
Her sense of humor and participation will be missed. Our best to you,
Priscilla – thank you for everything!
Erin Gallivan has also resigned from our Board of Directors to spend
more time with her new son Owen. Erin held the positions of Chair, Vice
Chair and Secretary while a member of our board. We will miss Erin’s
presence and her leadership. Thank you for all you have done for WomenSafe,
Erin!
CONTENTS
Help
Us Support Neat Repeats As They Support Us.
Stop
in and check out the awesome bargains! Give your wardrobe a new look.
Give someone else a chance to enjoy the clothes taking up space in your
closet. Donate them to Neat Repeats and designate WomenSafe as the agency
that will profit from the resale of those items. Neat Repeats, Bakery
Lane, Middlebury, VT 388-4488.
CONTENTS
Support
Groups
Support
Groups are available for women who have experienced emotional, sexual
and /or physical abuse in a past or present relationship. Support groups
offer a chance to meet other women who have had similar experiences
and to offer support, understanding and empathy to one another. The
groups take place in a relaxed, safe atmosphere with an emphasis on
respect and support. All groups are free and confidential; childcare
is provided. Call WomenSafe for information at: 388-4205 or (800) 388-4205.
Donor
Gift Fund Set Up
Interested in helping WomenSafe serve victims and survivors of domestic
and sexual violence and their children in the years to come? Make a
gift to a donor fund set up by a friend in 1999 through the Vermont
Community Foundation. Every year the proceeds from this fund go into
our general fund to support the programs that we offer. This fund helps
to ensure that women and their children receive the help that they need
to be safe and free from abuse. Proceeds also support our community
education program that teaches young children and youth healthy ways
to resolve conflict. Please consider making a gift to this fund. For
more information, please contact Naomi at WomenSafe at 388-9180 or the
Vermont Community Foundation at 388-3355.
Thank
Yous
Thank you to the RSVP volunteers who donate so much
of their time to help with our mailings.
Thanks
to Cellular One for providing WomenSafe with cellular phones for a second
year running. These phones are loaned to women who are in danger and
need to have access to 911 and our hotline.
We would also like to take this opportunity to thank the many community
members who have donated cell phones to WomenSafe. Over a dozen phones
have been dropped off in the last two months. If you have a cell phone
that you no longer use and would like to donate please contact Kerri
at WomenSafe at 388-9180.
CONTENTS
Seeking
Gift Certificates
WomenSafe
is looking for gift certificates in any denomination for families who
use our services. Gift certificates allow families to choose things
that they need or give access to a service that they would otherwise
go without. We are looking for a balance of some practical items, like
groceries or gas, with treats, such as restaurant meals or movie passes.
Some gift certificate suggestions are:
Hair Salons
Gas Stations
Lock Changes
Department Stores
Area Restaurants
Massages
Movie Tickets
Phone Cards
Passes to Town Rec. Departments
Grocery Stores
Any other local businesses
Please have the business leave the name blank on the certificate in
order to allow the person using it to fill in his/her own name.
Another option is to donate to WomenSafe’s Emergency Fund, which
we access to help service users pay for transportation or lock changes.
Call 388-9180 for more information.
CONTENTS
A
Smile for Your Thoughts
It is very important to the staff at WomenSafe that
we produce a newsletter that is helpful and educational. In order to
do this, we need to hear from you! So please let us know what you think:
-
Did
we completely miss the mark on something?
-
Did
we get something right?
-
Is
there an area or topic that you would like us to cover?
-
Is
there a topic of particular interest that you would like us to explore
in more depth?
The
Advocate
is a quarterly newsletter. If you are interested in writing an article
or book review, or would like to respond to something you’ve read
in a past issue, please fax, email or send your masterpiece to:
WomenSafe, Inc.
PO Box 67
Middlebury, VT 05753
Fax: (802) 388-3438
Email: info@womensafe.net
WomenSafe
does not necessarily share the opinions expressed by the writers in
this publication
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