Newsletter of WomenSafe •Volume 7, Issue 4
October, 2002

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Committed to ending domestic and sexual violence.

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ARCHIVE: Volume 7, Issue 2, April, 2002; Volume 7, Issue 3, July, 2002

CONTENTS OF THIS ISSUE

In Her Own Words. . . A Survivor’s Story -- by Julie Robare, Victim Advocate, Direct Services Coordinator

Whole Boys -- by John Beattie, Addison County DAEP Coordinator

Family Violence Prevention Fund - Domestic Violence Month Campaign 2002 - Coaching Boys into Men

You -- Anonymous (Poem)

Book Review -- by Naomi Smith, Executive Director of WomenSafe

What You Can Do If Your Friend Is Being Abused

Farewells to Kristin Fontaine and Barb Goff

WomenSafe Welcomes New Domestic Violence Program Coordinator

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

A Call For Real Discussions -- by Kerri Duquette-Hoffman, Domestic Violence Program Coordinator

Support Neat Repeats!

Excerpts from Our Domestic Violence Reading List

Presentation by Dr. William Pollack

In Her Own Words. . . A Survivor’s Story
-- by Julie Robare, Victim Advocate, Direct Services Coordinator

After nineteen and a half years with the man I thought was my Knight in shining armor…

I found a man that really loved me. I met him when I was eighteen years old. It all started with the control, even though I didn’t know at the time that this was the beginning to a very unhealthy relationship. Things started to change six months after we started going out, his behavior toward me was more demanding. It started out with little things like giving rides to guys I had been friends with for years, he became very angry and told me I wasn’t being faithful to him because I was seeing these guys. In the beginning I thought his behavior was just because he really loved me. I felt at the time he was right that I shouldn’t be doing that. His behavior escalated from that point on. I remember the first time I left him; it was in 1990. I had two children at that time, one seven and one a year and a half. He had become very angry because he lost an engine (car engine). He threw gasoline all over me and my car and said, “he’d kill me if I didn’t get his engine back,” so I took my youngest daughter and headed for my other daughter’s school. From there the principal took the girls and I to the shelter in Burlington where for the first time I met advocates. I was so scared that he would come after me, and sure enough - four days later he found me. He had the police come to the shelter to check on me because he told them that I was being held against my will, little did the police know he had a scanner and got the address. So we went home. This man beat me, kept me isolated, and put me down every chance he got. I was not allowed to have friends, be around my family or go to work. He always told me I was stupid and that no one would ever want me. He would always reinforce that if I left he would find me and then kill me, that he would kill anyone in his way, because “if you kill one, you might as well take them all, you only get life once.”

It has been six years now since I got away. In June of 1996 I left him with the help of many caring people who have become co-workers and dear friends. I went to college, graduated with a degree in Family Social Services, got married and now have a great job doing what I love. I am a victim advocate, and I had great mentors that showed me the way.

When I look back I truly wonder how I survived all the beatings, being knocked out, dragged down stairs, and him taking and hiding my children until I dropped the relief order. Being in Florida and saying he could dump me in the canals and no one would find me, that if I ever left him I would be sorry. The first two years were rough, I had to change my phone number eight times, keep changing my routines, not letting my kids go out front, taking them to and from school. Staying safe was a job in itself.
Now that it has been six years, I still worry where he is, what he’s doing, if he is going to still come after me. I know he hasn’t given up. I get a lot of hang ups (on my phone), my van gets vandalized, I feel that I’m always on guard and watching my back, but I am happy - my kids are happy and we finally got a great life filled with love. I now have the family life I had dreamed about growing up. I feel stronger every day and thank all those who supported me and believed in me. They never gave up and stayed even when I went back. They waited for me to be ready, never pushed, never told me that if I kept going back that they would not help me. I now have the chance to give back to other women what I was given: great support, comfort, respect and my self-esteem.

I can truly say that I am a SURVIVOR, and I thank all those who do the advocacy for battered women and children, because you do make a difference.

CONTENTS

Whole Boys
-- by John Beattie, Addison County DAEP Coordinator

Recently I attended services following the tragic death of a young man I had known for some time. Because of his age, there were a significant number of young men in attendance between the ages of 18 and 24. I was surprised and encouraged to recognize the degree to which many of these young men were comfortable being open about their sadness, their affection for each other, and their comfort publicly expressing that affection. Admittedly the occasion was one in which emotions were close to the surface for everyone, yet I sensed an unusual degree of openness exhibited by these young men. Perhaps it said something about the quality of their friend for whom they had come to honor and share their feelings, perhaps it said something about the honesty of the setting and the experience, and perhaps it said something about positive steps which have been taken in raising a more human and humane group of young men. As I left the service, I felt both a deep sadness for the loss of a young man and a sense of hope that society can encourage and support young men to be whole, open and honest in ways that we have not been very successful in doing in the past. So much is dependent on raising young men who can see beyond anger and violence to be able to experience and express a full range of emotions.

The Domestic Abuse Education Project (DAEP) is an educational program for men which centers on confronting the abuse and victimization of women by their male partners. Most of the men who enter the program are mandated to attend as a result of their conviction of domestic assault, although some men elect to attend in order to confront a pattern of maintaining control over their partners. One of the exercises in DAEP is called "The Man In The Box". During this exercise, men in the group develop a list of the qualities which society defines as attributed to being a "man." These could include qualities such as "confident," "independent," "provider" and "strong." In many ways the list includes some very positive qualities. But living life having access to only those qualities is a little like playing cards when the only cards in the deck you are allowed to use are spades - not bad cards in and of themselves, but limiting in fully and effectively playing the game. Qualities such as the ability to be "vulnerable," "nurturing," "warm" and "open" allow for a much more complete person. In DAEP we discuss at length what it means to be "in the box," the cost for men of remaining "in the box" at all times and the potential for humiliation and ridicule, especially from other men, when a man steps outside the box. For most men in the group, the exercise provides an opportunity to examine the genesis of some of their behaviors, as well as the constrictions placed upon them by the forbidden acknowledgement and access to feelings and behaviors that are very human and real. Clearly it is not that men have not experienced the feelings that exist outside of the box, but that it is forbidden to honestly express them. And it is true that after years of repressing these feelings, it is hard to know that they are there at all. I want to be perfectly clear: There is no excuse for domestic abuse. Acts of abuse are a choice that a man makes. But it is important to identify cultural and social influences, which contribute to abusive behavior while not using those influences to justify a man's decision to be abusive. Battering will not end by merely working with individual men. It requires an examination and intervention in the social features that continue to support domestic violence. Perhaps by giving men greater access and permission to experience and exhibit the full range of emotions, fewer men will choose to control their partner.

Our work, as members of this society, is to expand the definition of what it means to be both men and women in order to allow us to be whole beings. The recognition by men of the limited degree to which they have been experiencing and exhibiting their lives can be enlightening, frightening and sad. Yet it is a part of the fundamental societal changes that will result in the reduction or elimination of institutionalized sexism. At the services for the young man who had tragically died, I was reminded that we are making progress.

John Beattie is the Addison County Coordinator of DAEP. If you would like to learn more about the program, or how you can help, please call 352-6042.

CONTENTS

Family Violence Prevention Fund - Domestic Violence Month Campaign 2002 - Coaching Boys into Men

Teach Early. Teach Often.

Boys are swamped with influences outside of the home – from friends, the neighborhood, television, the internet, music, the movies… everything they see around them. They hear all kinds of messages about what it means to “be a man” – that they have to be tough and in control. There are numerous conflicting and some harmful messages being given to boys about what constitutes “being a man” in a relationship. So teach boys early, and teach them often, that there is no place for violence in a relationship.

Whether you are a father, coach, teacher, uncle, older brother or mentor, you can make a real difference in a boy’s life. Teach boys that violence against women and girls is wrong.

Sometimes the only messages boys get are the wrong ones. Many young men need advice and direction on how to behave towards women and they want to talk to you about it. Share your experiences and let them know what you’ve learned.

Here’s how:

Teach Early. It’s never too soon to talk to a child about violence. Tell him that “hands are not for hitting.” Let him know how you think he should express his anger and frustration – and what is out of bounds. Talk with him about what it means to be fair, share and treat others with respect.

Bring it up. A kid will never approach you and ask for guidance on how to treat women. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need it. Try watching TV with him or listening to his music. If you see or hear things that depict violence against women, tell him what you think about it. And your job isn’t done once you get the first talk out of the way. Help him work through problems in relationships as they arise. Let him know he can come back and talk to you again anytime.

Listen. Hear what he has to say. Listen to how he and his friends talk about girls. Ask him if he’s ever seen abusive behavior in his friends. Is he worried about any of his friends who are being hurt in their relationships? Are any of his friends hurting anyone else?

Tell Him How. Teach him ways to express his anger without using violence. When he gets mad, tell him he can walk it out, talk it out, or take a time out. Let him know he can always come to you if he feels like things are getting out of hand. Try to give him examples of what you might say or do in situations that could turn violent.

Be a Role Model. Fathers, coaches and any man who spends time with boys or teens will have the greatest impact when they “walk the walk.” Make sure you act in a non-violent way in your relationships, and that you always treat women and girls in a way that your son can admire and emulate. Let him know how you define a healthy relationship.

Teach Often. Use every opportunity to reinforce the message that violence has no place in a relationship.

The Men’s Campaign encourages men to help stop domestic violence. Men can teach boys that violence against women is wrong and, together, we can work to end abuse. Men can call 1-800-END ABUSE for advice on what to say to boys and how to say it. (See http://endabuse.org and follow the link to Coaching Boys into Men)

CONTENTS

You…

You took something from me
I wondered exactly what it was
Till in the middle of the night last night
Even five years after you are gone
I jumped up with a start
In the middle of my dream
And knew that I was in danger
Something lurking in the dark
When the rest of the world was resting
I didn’t know what that something was
But I knew that I was going to die
I could tell by my heart racing
And my heavy breathing
And the raw fear that I woke with
Then I remembered
That I had stood up to you
And made you leave five years ago
Because you took so much from me
So I settled back into my pillow
Beside the one who now breathes softly beside me
The one who loves me
The way you never did
And I think of how good it now feels to know I am safe
Until the middle of the night
When I wake in a panic
And remember
What you took from me.
--Anonymous

CONTENTS

Book Review

--by Naomi Smith, Executive Director of WomenSafe

Thanks to Amy Elman, who was at Middlebury College for the spring semester 2002, we have three new herstorical books on women in our library. Witchcraze: A New History of the European Witch Hunts by Anne Llewellyn Barstow (1994), Catharine A. MacKinnon’s Feminism Unmodified: Discourses on Life and Law (1987) and In Our Time: Memoir of a Revolution by Susan Brownmiller (1999).

I have just finished reading Brownmiller’s In Our Time. It is a memoir written in the first person of what some call the second wave of feminism that began in the 1960’s. At first reading it seems like a lot of name-dropping, however further reading indicates the importance of each woman and her role in the women’s movement that spans more than a decade. It is an insider’s view from the 1960’s to the present. Brownmiller tells how consciousness-raising groups got their start and their importance in recognizing that women’s personal lives are political. It wasn’t until women started sharing their personal stories with other women did they realize that these experiences were not random experiences, but the condition of many women’s lives.

Brownmiller tells of the almost constant struggles within the movement that are a natural part of a revolution, but no less painful. While it was an exciting time, it also took its toll on the many women who persevered to ensure that women’s lives improved. She brings us through the days of sit-ins, protests and other work that brought abortion out of the back alleys through Roe v. Wade, rape and domestic violence awareness and 24-hour hotlines and battered women’s shelters, the sexual harassment legislation as well as the pornography wars that helped to clean up the red light districts in many cities. All of this is done from her recollections and interviews with the many women who participated.

This is an easy read and an interesting venture back to another time, reminding us not to take for granted the freedom and rights women have today.

CONTENTS

What You Can Do If Your Friend Is Being Abused

Help your friend recognize the abuse.
Point out the different types of abuse in relationships to your friend. Tell her that abuse usually gets worse over time. Encourage her to call WomenSafe for more information and support.

Express your concerns.
Tell your friend that you are glad she confided in you. Let her know that you are sorry this is happening to her. Repeat the following phrases to her: "I'm worried about you;" "It's not your fault;" "I'm glad that you told me about what you're going through;" "You deserve better;" and "I'm here for you."

Support your friend's strength.
Point out how your friend is able to take care of her children and handle the fear from abuse. If you friend wants to stay in the relationship, or keeps returning to the abusive partner, help her to be safe. Help your friend see that she is not to blame for the violence and that changing her behavior will not stop the abuse. Help your friend recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent.

Be accepting.
Tell her you are worried about her safety. Let your friend know you are there for her, and Mean it. Do not become upset if your friend is not ready to break off the relationship yet. Try to see that your friend is dealing with some difficult emotions – love and security from a partner, parenting, financial security, housing for themselves and their children – and fear of the abuse. Understand that she may need to return to the batterer in order to be safe.

Work on a safety plan.
Help your friend to think of ways to be safe. Look at patterns in the abuser's behavior to figure out when the abuser is explosive or violent. Find local resources that can offer additional support.

Be there--listen--and stay there.
You may feel like a broken record and that no one is listening to you. Keep supporting your friend. By avoiding blame, she will know you are standing beside her. When she is ready to end the relationship, continue to be supportive and try to help her get involved in activities and supportive services. It takes a long time to get over any relationship, especially one that is violent. Help your friend resist the pressure from other friends, family members, etc. to get back together.

Reach out for help.
Go to a trusted friend with what you know. Call area resources for ideas on how to help your friend. Crisis lines are available 24-hours a day and you don't have to give your name.

Keep educating yourself on domestic/dating violence.
Coping with Dating Violence by Nancy Rue and Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy are two of the many good resource books about domestic violence. Check your local library or domestic violence program to borrow these or other materials.

If you are frightened or frustrated, get support for yourself. Remember, you can't rescue or solve all your friend's problems. In Vermont, to reach the nearest domestic violence program dial: 1-800-228-7395. For Addison County and Rochester, call WomenSafe’s 24-hour hotline at 388-4205 or (800) 388-4205.

CONTENTS

Farewell to Kristin Fontaine

After almost three years of serving Addison County and Rochester as the Domestic Violence Program Coordinator, Kristin Fontaine has left WomenSafe. Kristin has brought numerous talents to the agency, including, but not limited to, the following: participating in and guiding the Addison County Domestic Violence Task Force; co-creating a Healthy Relationship presentation and manual; consistently co-facilitating weekly support groups; acting as a liaison between the Domestic Abuse Education Project, a batterers’ intervention program; and continually coming up with new and interesting ways to build community awareness during October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. She will be sorely missed and we wish her the best of luck in her new position. Kristin is the new Grassroots Organizer for Planned Parenthood of Northern New England. Thanks for everything, Kristin!

CONTENTS

Farewell to Barb Goff

It is with sadness that we say farewell to a member or our staff, Barb Goff. Barb began working at WomenSafe in the fall of 2000 as a VISTA. A year later she became the Administrative Coordinator and played an integral role in volunteer coordination, town funding and development of our newsletter The Advocate. Barb also worked to develop the ‘Hands are for Helping, Not for Hurting’ community outreach presentations that target pre-k and elementary school children. We thank Barb for all her efforts and wish her luck in her future endeavors.

CONTENTS

WomenSafe Welcomes New Domestic Violence Program Coordinator

It is with great pleasure that we introduce Kerri Duquette-Hoffman as the Domestic Violence Program Coordinator at WomenSafe. Kerri recently received her MSW from the University of Vermont, with a concentration in Mental Health. She brings with her a wealth of experience, a fresh perspective and a desire to work to end violence against women.

Kerri has worked with diverse populations in her field placements at UVM including the Title IV-E Abenaki Child Welfare Project, Champlain Valley Agency on Aging and Women’s Rape Crisis Center in Burlington. Kerri has a great deal of enthusiasm and new ideas. WomenSafe is delighted to have her as part of our team.

CONTENTS

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

Does your partner-
• Isolate you from family or friends directly or indirectly?
• Treat you roughly: grab you, shove you, push you?
• Make you feel badly about yourself?
• Blame you for the abuse, saying “You provoked it and made me do it?”
• Say that you are crazy, dumb, worthless, frigid?
• Force or coerce you into sexual acts that you don’t enjoy?
• Use money as a way to control you?
• Threaten you with words, actions or weapons?
• Use violence against pets or things that you care about?
• Have a history of violence against previous partners?
• Blame everyone and everything else for problems?
• Threaten to take children or get custody of children if you leave?
• Have a history of fighting, getting angry quickly or brag about hurting others?
• Use jealousy as a way to control you, saying “It’s only because I love you so much that I act that way?”
• Prevent you from leaving after a fight by restraining or threatening you?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Threaten to hurt children, your family or you if you leave?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. Talk to someone you trust and/or call our hotline at 388-4205 for more information. You are not alone and you do not deserve to be abused. Advocates are available 24-hours a day for information, support and safety planning.

CONTENTS

A Call For Real Discussions

--by Kerri Duquette-Hoffman, Domestic Violence Program Coordinator

In my apartment the television is the small box that collects dust in the corner. It is waiting for that rare moment when a human decides to put it to use. While in the process of indulging my television a few weeks ago, I was surprised to see a show that featured real life court cases in depth. I was already familiar with the shows that re-enact trials and the somewhat volatile small claims court shows in which a judge with a catchy name presides. However, this show was different. The case being presented in this show was about a rape, and it was graphic.

After talking with friends and co-workers about this show it became clear to me that this was just one of a stream of shows in which violent and frightening crimes are publicly aired for the prime time audience. This realization made me ponder the meaning of such shows.

Is it possible that these shows are in existence to raise awareness of such atrocities and to promote social change? One is lured into thinking that this is possible, however it doesn’t seem probable that the media would be so altruistic. It would seem that the real root of the existence of these shows would be the same root that drives every other television show: ratings. Does that mean that as a society we see these trials as entertaining? What does it mean that these accounts of extreme violence could be conceived of as entertainment? Is this a product of mass societal desensitization? Could this be a case of a society that is craving to understand how the legal process works? Conversely, is this simply a case of a society that is tuning in to watch this horror, out of the same primordial need that drives us to slow down and look whenever we pass an accident on the road? It is possible, even probable, that the reason for the existence of these shows is a combination of all of the above reasons and more.

Possibly more important than determining the reason for these shows, is to determine what to do with them now that they are here. It would seem that many of these shows could act as entrée points in everyday conversations to start discussions about violence and specifically violence against women. Often times women’s advocacy groups are met with a great amount of resistance when trying to highlight these issues for the public to see and act on. It would seem that these shows are highlighting some sort of need that the general public must feel to have these conversations. In fact these shows seem to be the conversations in and of themselves. However, are these shows the full extent of what we want the public to know about violence against women? No, they are not.

Rather than looking at these shows as yet another way of perpetuating negative stereotyping and misogynistic messages, we could look at these shows as a call to action. We could harness the curiosity illustrated by their existence to open the doors of conversation. We could use this latest media exploitation in our favor this time. With Domestic Violence Awareness Month almost here, there is not a better time to start these conversations. So, let’s start talking!

CONTENTS

Help us support Neat Repeats as they support us.

Stop in and check out the awesome bargains! Give your wardrobe a new look. Give someone else a chance to enjoy the clothes taking up space in your closet—donate them to Neat Repeats and designate WomenSafe as the agency that will profit from the resale of those items. Neat Repeats, Bakery Lane, Middlebury, VT 388-4488

CONTENTS

Excerpts from Our Domestic Violence Reading List

Next Time, She'll Be Dead: Battering and How to Stop It, written by Ann Jones, 1994, Beacon Press, 288 pages.

Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life, written by Ginny NiCarthy, 1997, Seal Press, 316 pages with list of resources.

Getting Out, written by Ann Getting, Columbia University Press, 1999, 282 pages.

Safety Planning With Battered Women, written by Jill Davies, Sage Publications, 1998.

To Be An Anchor in the Storm, written by Susan Brewster, 1997, Ballantine Books, 245 pages with list of resources.

Walking on Eggshells, written by Brian Ogawa, Volcano Press, 1996.

This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color, edited by Cherrie Morraga and Gloria Anzaldua, 1983, Kitchen Table Press.

Helping Teens Stop Violence, written by Allan Creighton with Paul Kivel, 1992, Hunter House, 166 pages.

Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence that Tears Our Life Apart, written by Paul Kivel, 1992 Ballantine Books, 293 pages.

Tyranny of Kindness, written by Theresa Funiciello, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1993.

If you are interested in more titles, email us at info@womensafe.net or call 388-9180.

CONTENTS

Presentation by Dr. William Pollack

Otter Creek Child Center is pleased to present Dr. William Pollack, the author of Real Boys. There will be two presentations as outlined below.

The evening presentation on October 24 from 7-9 pm is titled “Navigating the Myths of Boyhood.” Dr. Pollack will give parents, educators and communities much needed practical advice about how to raise boys today. He will demonstrate that by listening to what boys are trying to say and seeking to better understand them, we can raise happier, more successful men.

The full day presentation on October 25 from 8:30 am - 4:15 pm is directed toward professionals working with children and families and is titled “How to Break The Boy Code: Listening to What Boys’ Behaviors and Voices are Really Telling Us.” Dr. Pollack will lead practitioners through real life situations through case studies, videotaped interviews and hands-on exercises that will help us gain a better understanding of boys’ needs today.

Both presentations will occur at the Sheraton Burlington Hotel and Conference Center.

For more information, a registration form and/or CEU information contact Otter Creek Child Center. Registration is required; cost is $15 for the evening seminar. Registration fees for the full day seminar are $125, which includes a buffet lunch and the Real Boys Workbook.

CONTENTS

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WomenSafe does not necessarily share the opinions expressed by the writers in this publication

 

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